cheese it, the cops!

ST Dominics Peview as performed by House Blissful Idiot Chorus

 

In which Crusader AXE stops by and raises some questions about whether blissful ignorance ends at the ballot box for the Dumbasses who pass laws not realizing that things like Sequestration have an impact, and the government does things with the money that they appropriate and that they control appropriations... with the help of Jackson Browne, Joan Baez and the Doobie Brothers with a quote from Phil Ochs...who would be a lot of fun if he was still here, sane, sober and not wearing a gold lame suit.

 

splanatory

People have given many explanations for the massacre in Aurora. Gun control laws, lack of compulsory universal use of psychiatric medication, the effects of red hair dye on the human brain: all have been explored with that stunning mixture of certainty and stupidity that only the social sciences provide.

Here at Crispylabs, however, we have solved the problem. With a very high degree of probability, we can declare that climate change is the culprit. 

We came up with this hypothesis because we can't stop thinking about climate change. That people we agree with about everything called it a national security crisis made us realize that climate change is to blame for everything and anything: it's a universal crisis: the cause of everything that goes wrong. 

To test our stunning conclusion, we stuck precisely a passel of extremely cute babies - a diverse population of black and white, male and female, punk and preppy, straight and gay (born that way) babies - in a room and slowly increased the heat to 136 degrees fahrenheit: yesterday's high temperature in northern Greenland. Before they expired, the babies got super fussy. Imagine what would have happened if we had issued them assault rifles! It would have been baby armageddon, just like last time.

As the world grows ever hotter, flatter, and more flatulent, things continue to be really fucked up. Coincidence? We think not, and our regression paralysis confirms us in our speculation.

If things continue at the rate established by James Holmes at 12:28 AM, everyone will have shot everyone else by 2051.That said, the tipping point will very frankly be a disconnect, or The Disconnect: a yawning abyss in which all that exists is annihilated utterly, as though by the anti-will of the inverse of God.

because every aspect of our lives has been in crisis for decades, we now have to move to other ways to express the non-stop ubiquitous disaster. thus the coinage extreme crisis. this would appear to be redundant, but is not. the healthcare crisis is acute and must be addressed immediately. however, we have been muddling along with more or less the same system since 1813. there has never been a moment in my 52 years in which education has not been in crisis. all of these gigantic mini-crises of course take place within the greatest crisis our species has ever faced: global warming, which is our biggest national security crisis.

so it's well past time we started tacking intensifiers on 'crisis,' which now refers to the normal or run-of-the-mill state of affairs in any given sphere. 'crisis,' in other words, has become synonymous with 'reality,' and just as something could be really real, a crisis could be critical. 'crisis' has lost its ability to mobilize, which was all it was ever actually used for anyway. well, i think now you're gonna need actual clubs and body armor to motivate anyone to do anything. during the next presidential campaign, for example, i think we should refer to american education as a "world-annihilating conflagration" or an "apocalypse."

however, i am already kind of bored by world-annihilating conflagrations and apocalypses, which are now available wholesale at six cents per thousand. the concept of the crisis is in crisis, in other words. so, if elected, i will try to remediate the extreme crisis crisis through understatement or perhaps a couple of centuries of absolute silence.

nostradamus wrote as follows:

"And then shall the metal bird glide over the the City of Cash, and the people shall scream and run around like lobotomized geese. Swinishness shall become a contagion. Arlen Specter shall betray his peeps, if any. And the next day, at 8:23 AM Mountain, God will destroy the cursed earth and toast your souls over the bonfires of hell as though you were, verily, marshmallows. Which you are, you pussies."

it seems possible that nostradamus was referring to this very moment! it must have been a terrible burden to see the future so clearly.