i'm unable to update my website (which should at least be viewable again; it's been down for a couple of days). so i thought i'd just publish this here: my creators column:
The Real Person of the Year
By Crispin Sartwell
Every year, the world awaits the announcement of Time magazine's Person of the Year. Time's 2004 choice was extremely bold: they honored George Bush for paying down the national debt.
But true connoisseurs of the Person of the Year concept know that the definitive award is made by this column. Every year we measure the zeitgeist with our supersensitive "scientific" instruments and locate the person who crystallizes it most perfectly.
Overall, there were two great themes of 2004: pure pop pleasure and sheer degraded death. We searched the world over for the people who made those things happen for all of us.
First, the short list.
In one of the great achievements of the year, Yasser Arafat lapsed into a coma and died.
P. Diddy brought out the youth vote in unprecedented numbers, leading to John Kerry's victory in the presidential election.
Kerry himself would have been a plausible choice. He shone like a moral beacon across this great land. As the most electable Democrat, he substantiated yet again the old adage: Moe was the smartest Stooge.
Like every other year, 2004 was an extremely good year for white men, led by Dick Cheney and Eminem.
Shortlisting publishing uberbabe Judith Regan was literally a no-brainer. She brought together the two most important stories of the year: the Scott Peterson trial (Regan signed a book deal with person-of-the-year finalist Amber Frey) and the Bernard Kerik meltdown (trysting with Kerik at his love nest).
It was the year of the neocon. American idealists such as Richard Perle, William Kristol, Islam Karimov, Augusto Pinochet, and Crown Prince Abdullah spread democracy and good cheer throughout the world.
Jesus Christ visited a storm of death upon His enemies in Fallujah.
Before resigning over the oil for food scandal, Kofi Annan spearheaded the heroic multinational effort in Sudan that saved tens of thousands of lives. The next Secretary-General, Bam Margera, can only hope to follow in the footsteps of greatness.
Vlad Putin had an amazing year. He seized dictatorial power, killed the last few Chechens, and published the bestselling "Cooking With Dioxin" (Regan Books, 2004).
A strikingly similar set of accomplishments must be attributed to Kobe Bryant.
In 2004, like Yasser Arafat, government of the people, by the people, and for the people perished from this earth. A few people shed a nostalgic tear.
No one on earth has ever had more magnets and less armor, more support and less chance of success than our troops.
Men with erectile dysfunction stayed on the scene like lovin' machines this year, while James Brown underwent prostate surgery.
In a world gone mad, Sponge Bob Squarepants was the last voice of sanity.
But no figure combined pure pop pleasure with sheer degraded death like our Person of the Year. She was at once the best and most typical American artist. As Afghans and Iraqis contemplated her greatness, they understood for the first time the true meaning of their liberation. Her ten-gallon leadership style brought the world to heel. Without further ado, I give you the Person of the Year: the great Lindsay Lohan.
