President Bush's Official Response to the Iraq Study Group Report
Executive Summary
Originally, I was going to respond to all 79 recommendations. But I have a headache. In general, my condition is grave and deteriorating.
(1) We have expended a tremendous amount of trudge and blather in Iraq. Failure is an option.
(2) Charles Graner would make a good Iraqi president.
(3) It has become obvious that the people of America are not prepared for democracy. This is a matter of their history, their culture, their religious fanaticism, and their sheer intransigent annoyingness.
(4) Thus, we may need to scale back our objectives, and appoint a "strong man," such as Katherine Harris, to take control of the American government.
(5) We should consider a partition of the country, separating the Dolts, the Cretins, and the Ass-Monkeys into enclaves.
(6) Hand me that bottle of Jack.
(7) We have come to the difficult conclusion that Christianity is false. If it were true, God would have aided us in this righteous crusade. Damn you, God! We are returning to sheer animism.
(8) After the bad guys win in Iraq, we can deal with that fact by suspending the rights of average Americans.
(9) We are liars. We're still lying, right now.
(10) We ought to involve all the concerned parties - North Korea, for example, and Fiji - in the negotiations, without condition.
(11) Any comprehensive solution must solve the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. This can best be accomplished through extreme, howling, continuous, arbitrary violence directed against non-combatants. Plus that will be amusing.
(12) Our policy must be based on hard-nosed "realism": for example, the paintings of Edward Hopper and the novels of Gustav Flaubert.
(13) Yo where did Putin score that polonium? Can I get me some?
(14) We still need an outpost of democracy in the Middle East, to inspire those backwards, uncivilized chumps to join the modern world, opening Wal-Mart Supercenters and buying K-Fed records. We might want to conquer Kuwait.
(15) Sorry for all the torture and shit. My bad.
(16) We might try "privatizing" Iraq, contracting the whole place to Latin American drug cartels. They're good at this kind of thing.
(17) Sorry about that trillion bucks of your money we spent. My bad.
(18) I just want to say to all the suckers who lost sons and daughters and brothers and sisters in Iraq: they died in a purposeless war prosecuted by brain-numb, blithering fools. And yet, I blame them for the fact that we lost.