last week i declared that as president, i would introduce a radical complete instant random transformation of everything. i described in detail my program to make earth's atmosphere into a solid, for example. i referred to myself as the true changent. however, recently in bimini, while i was campaigning in that state's primary, i met a young woman named dorothy small. "senator sartwell, i'm extremely rich and healthy and stuff," she told me. "i don't want everything to change!" like so many americans in this nightmare nation created by the special interests, dorothy was struggling. still she had those basic american values that hold us together: the interconvertibility of love and money, and the emotional abuse of innocent children, as if there were any innocent children. there and then, i vowed that i would cease to be the candidate of total heraclitean flux and instead pledge that as president i would, within the first 24 hours of the sartwell administration, convert the universe into a completely full invariant parmenidean sphere. some philosophy professors have said,  "governor sartwell, this represents at best the merest contradiction; introducing an entirely static universe by flip-flopping, you have undermined your own assertion that all change is an illusion!"  my fellow americans, assmonkeys, i say to you: eat me. and god bless america.