like you, i only ask one question when i'm trying to figure out who to vote for: who will keep me safe? but what do i mean by that?

(1) who will listen to me whine? for that is the meaning of democracy.

(2) who will tell me who my enemies are and kill and torture them for me, wherever they may be found, along with whomever may be anywhere near them or be misidentified as being among them? one thing i ask of every candidate: will you klll for me? it hardly matters who. prove that you love me.

(3) who can best control the universe? that is, who can achieve omnipotence? if you want my vote you're going to have to control all microscopic organisms - viruses, in particular. and you're going to have to seize command of  earth's atmosphere and prevent hurricanes from coming my way, for example. lob them into central america or something. i need you to control the sun and its solar system, totally and immediately. if i am dissatisfied with today's temperature, barometric pressure, or relative humidity, i will vote for your opponents.

(4) who will shelter me from disease and poverty and pain? or in short: who among you can make me invulnerable and immortal, or help me transcend the material plane entirely and render america something that does not exist at all? that is: who will kill me and transport me to unearthly bliss, immediately? what i mean by safety is indistinguishable from death. please kill me.

these are the questions that all of us face, as we make the cosmic choice: dick cheney or janet napolitano?