i want to write a paean to my great love: nicotine gum. i have been addicted to it literally for years. it has its drawbacks, especially that it's kind of expensive. but i'll tell you this: it shows addiction in its pristine form, and in my life the distractions and layers of jive have slowly been pared away through the administration of pain, and i realize that there's nothing left but an addict in his pristine form.
so, there are all kinds of reasons people engage in substance abuse, or that they say they do. they are medicating their depression/anxiety/psychosis. they love the social dimensions down at the bar and the crack house: it's the fellowship, baby. they love the ritual: filling the bong, fumbling with the cigarette, cooking the h. every and any reason besides that they are actually addicted to the active ingredient. now i suppose nicotine is some sort of mild stimulant: even if so, no dose at this point actually has any discernible psychotropic effects on me. the stuff makes no change in my consciousness that i am aware of. (of course, sadly, people can reach this point with vodka or crack too. but i don't think anyone would say they chew nic gum for the way it makes them feel, much less for the social aspect, or to treat their depression. indeed, i can keep drinking or smoking pot even though i actually hate the way it makes me feel. i've had moments where i liked the way booze or pot made me feel, but whole long periods where i didn't at all, where i just felt stupid and sick and profoundly inactive. that just isn't the reason i did them; indeed it might be closer to true to say that i did them because i wanted to feel bad. (maybe that sounds bizarre. but let me ask you this: have you ever wanted to be sick? every feigned sickness or convinced yourself you were sicker than you were? ever wallowed in sickness, lingered over it, delectated it?) but after a bit, it hardly mattered either way.)
no, the only thing addiction to nicotine gum has going for it is that you chew it, then you spit it out, then you jones for another piece. believe it or not, you start to think it's beautiful; you start to love the non-flavor, the funky caulk-like texture. but that's just your mind, addicted: actually these things just can't be lovable; without nicotine they palpably would have no allure. i've heard people after they smoked like mad for years saying that they're as addicted to the ritual as to the nicotine, or even that nicotine has nothing to do with it. um, horseshit. you'll tell yourself any damn thing to keep going; you'll actually feel the amazing allure of the ritual or whatever even though you actually don't feel it at all, believe it or not. this shows you with extreme clarity the human capacity for self-delusion.
it would surprise me if alcohol or heroin was used as a treatment for depression: it makes depression worse in a dozen ways at once. that doesn't matter, because you're addicted. then you try to work it out in therapy. good luck.
addiction to nicotine gum won't destroy your life, or end you up in the cancer ward (i hope!). so it's a good addiction in that sense. on the other hand, it won't alter your consciousness, which might be unfortunate. but it is addiction - real disease and real commitment - in its crystalline form: the very essence. it is me, purified.
