People have given many explanations for the massacre in Aurora. Gun control laws, lack of compulsory universal use of psychiatric medication, the effects of red hair dye on the human brain: all have been explored with that stunning mixture of certainty and stupidity that only the social sciences provide.
Here at Crispylabs, however, we have solved the problem. With a very high degree of probability, we can declare that climate change is the culprit.
We came up with this hypothesis because we can't stop thinking about climate change. That people we agree with about everything called it a national security crisis made us realize that climate change is to blame for everything and anything: it's a universal crisis: the cause of everything that goes wrong.
To test our stunning conclusion, we stuck precisely a passel of extremely cute babies - a diverse population of black and white, male and female, punk and preppy, straight and gay (born that way) babies - in a room and slowly increased the heat to 136 degrees fahrenheit: yesterday's high temperature in northern Greenland. Before they expired, the babies got super fussy. Imagine what would have happened if we had issued them assault rifles! It would have been baby armageddon, just like last time.
As the world grows ever hotter, flatter, and more flatulent, things continue to be really fucked up. Coincidence? We think not, and our regression paralysis confirms us in our speculation.
If things continue at the rate established by James Holmes at 12:28 AM, everyone will have shot everyone else by 2051.That said, the tipping point will very frankly be a disconnect, or The Disconnect: a yawning abyss in which all that exists is annihilated utterly, as though by the anti-will of the inverse of God.
