Billy Mays here! Like a lot of people who are all #notmypresident, Ta-Nehisi Coates has misplaced his personal president. Go online to mypresident.com/TV to order a replacement! We'll ship you your own personal pres, of your very own race/gender/proclivities! Someone in nice boring clothes to follow you around, affirm your identity, mutter quasi-inspiring cliches, and subordinate you completely! You'll feel so safe, or triple your money back! You pay only for the handling. And just put your personal president in the dishwasher to clean. Your personal president controls a sprawling system of internment facilities and the greatest military the world has ever known! But wait, there's more! It has the power to chop nuts.
