cheese it, the cops!

nihilism: it's back!

@dammitspanky has been tweeting about my ancient line in nihilism (i was the presidential candidate of the nihilist party in 2004; we won). i was thinking some of these were lost forever (even though it was latimes and philly inquirer), but i found the one that will wilkinson liked (latimes 2004) in an ancient email. looking back on it, i can't believe these newspapers took these! speaks well for john timpane and ann brenoff, among others.

latimes from 2004:

 

Platform of the Nihilist Organization

 

Many proud but concerned Americans have asked me, "Senator Sartwell, what is the Nihilist position on the challenges that confront our cursed, bloated nation?"

 

The first thing to keep in mind is that everything I say, even this very sentence, is false. Nihilism faces the issues of today and of tomorrow with a bold, positive vision.

 

(1) Terrorism

As shown by the popularity of Stephen King and John Ashcroft, people enjoy being terrified. What a beautiful time to be alive, momentarily.

 

(2) War

We propose a war of each against all, which is amply justified by the best intelligence. If there is a threat, it may well be presented by human beings like you and me, or possibly like you and I. We remain confident that a return to the Hobbesian state of nature will find broad bipartisan support in the Senate.

 

(3) Education

We believe that children are our future. This idea fills us with the most profound despair.

 

(4) Tax Policy

Read my lips. Deficit spending is a metaphor for all existence: a pure, perfect nothingness that encompasses all of us, ingesting us into its maw of Absolute Negation Without Antithesis. Let us commit ourselves to it utterly, tumble over its lip, and fall forever, forever . . . We shall erode into the screaming wind of utter absence.

 

(5) Abortion

We are the only party which dares to oppose both life and choice. Life is an infestation, choice an illusion.

 

(6) Gun Control

Arm the unborn.

 

(7) Church and State

God presents the biggest threat to the homeland. Remember the Flood. Remember what happened to Egypt or Sodom and Gomorrah. Omnipotence is the ultimate WMD. We propose a pre-emptive strike on heaven, and to try God for everything that has ever happened.

 

(8) Gay Marriage

We support gay marriage. But interracial gay marriage is unnatural.

 

(9) Drugs

A great nihilist heroine, Nancy Reagan, once said "Just Say No." No.

 

(10) Bush and Kerry

We miss Al Gore. But whoever is elected, nihilists will win this election. We commend Bush's lies and the emptiness of his inner life. Kerry stands tall and proud, expressing his deep commitment to Nothing At All.

 

(11) Mutual Simultaneous Annihilation

Let's say that Bush and Kerry started eating one another, beginning at the toes and moving toward the head, finishing up by devouring one another's mouths. What, we ask a deeply divided nation, would be the result? We are the only party facing this crisis squarely.

 

Nothing works. It really does. My fellow Americans, my fellow flies swarming closer and closer to the great swatter, let us rush upon oblivion together. 

 

--------------------------

then there was this one (philly inquirer, 2000)

 

Why Not Nihilism?

By Crispin Sartwell

I devoted five hours of my vacation to watching Monday evening's proceedings at the Democratic National Convention. And as I listened to the unassailable tautologies and flourishes of extreme redundancy, I asked myself a serious question: Who could these "people" be running against?

Then it hit me, like a Concorde hitting a hotel. They could be running against me. And right there and then I founded a new political movement, indeed a bold heroic frontier of human possibility: The American Nihilist Party. 

The Nihilists are convening here at the Outer Banks this week without even benefit of C-SPAN coverage. We (or at any rate I) have come together in our great diversity to celebrate our blessed nation. And since there are no cameras, I present you with a verbatim transcript of my keynote address.

"As I have crossed this great land, visiting average Americans just like you, or just like Mabel Smith of Missoula Montana, a sexual entrepreneur whose insufferable children are slightly under-served by several government agencies, many people have asked me, Senator Sartwell, what does the American Nihilist Party stand for? 

"First and foremost, we believe that a single child must be left behind. And we have a candidate: tousle-haired little Billy Cartwright of Cleveland, Ohio.

"We believe, quite frankly, in putting partisanship before progress.

"We unequivocally, courageously reject the idea of moving forward into a 21^st century bright with promise. We're opposed to the new economy, to fresh, new ideas and technologies that will transform the lives of all Americans. Nor do we enjoin America to turn back to traditions and values and God, all of which and whom we also oppose. What are we, chumps?

"We reject hard work and initiative. And uniquely among today's major political parties, we oppose government that works for working families. 

"We are unalterably opposed to a woman's right to choose anything at all. And lest Republicans find comfort in that, we sneer also at the rights of the unborn, those nasty little ingrates. Indeed, we abominate life in all its repulsive forms. 

"We reject equal pay for equal work and, if elected, will attack such evil nonsense with all the strength and love and truth at our disposal.

"With regard to education, we reject standards, accountability, and excellence for all children, rich and poor, black and white, male and female. In fact, we reject education altogether. Learning hurts. And hurting people is just plain wrong.

"We despise the family, that blight on the social landscape. Think about your own family for a minute, think about its pathologies, its sheer vicious intolerable blankness.

"We set ourselves resolutely against any government that keeps its commitments and if elected we pledge our sacred honor that we will somehow squander the surplus. The future must not be secured for our children, and many more children must remain or become uninsured.

"We nihilists find the notions of clean air and water laughable, along with sensible gun laws. And we sneer with unfeigned contempt at enforcing the laws that are already on the books. We favor putting guns - big, loaded guns - in the hands of children and criminals. In fact, we intend to arm the unborn.

"In a Nihilist administration, we will put people last. People are stupid and annoying. But we will fight for the rights of clock radios, kitchen utensils, and concrete abutments.

"And finally, fellow Nihilists, fellow Americans, let me be clear. We are unalterably opposed on moral, religious, political, and even purely conceptual grounds to Fleetwood Mac in all its pernicious, pathological permutations. For God's sake stop thinking about tomorrow.

"Thank you and goodnight, America."

 

so the story of mitchell heisman and his 2000-page philosophical suicide note (he shot himself on harvard yard in front of...a tour group?) is just unbelievable. got me rethinking my ideas about the meaning of life. unfortunately i'm giving a talk on the subject next month!

the boston globe report goes above and beyond; maybe the reporter was a philosophy major or something. 

With chapter titles such as “Philosophy, Cosmology, Singularity, New Jersey’’ and “How to Breed a God,’’ and citing more than a hundred authors from futurist Ray Kurzweil to the biologist E.O. Wilson, Heisman explains how his views took shape.

“The death of my father marked the beginning, or perhaps the acceleration, of a kind of moral collapse, because the total materialization of the world from matter to humans to literal subjective experience went hand in hand with a nihilistic inability to believe in the worth of any goal,’’ he wrote.

He saw his emotions as nothing more than a product of biology, as soulless as the workings of a machine, making them in essence an illusion.

“If life is truly meaningless and there is no rational basis for choosing among fundamental alternatives, then all choices are equal and there is no fundamental ground for choosing life over death,’’ he concluded.

the closest parallel might be the unabomber's manifesto. i'm not necessarily pledging to read heisman's thing, believe me. thanks stephen.

 

i was going to rag on joseph barbera, but martin rowson does it for me, in the exact terms i would have used.

ok, world. no demands:

(1) a constitutional amendment banning both life and choice.
(2) immediate annexation of the united states of america by the democratic people's republic of korea, and dear leader kim jong il.
(3) the return of beloved leader john ashcroft to high office in vichy america.

this is a wikiterroristthreat, so feel free to add demands.

remember, as always, to vote nihilist organization (no) in the upcoming election. if more people don't vote than do, we will, as always, declare victory. the yippies used to nominate "nobody," but by an hegelian inversion we are enfranchising inanimate objects: we didn't vote for anything, as well as anyone.